In every moment, we choose an identity; we are who we are in our evaluations
[what does this moment mean]
and in the decisions we make based upon them
[what I do next]
Being there for people, helping them change and grow, is a huge part of my needs structure, my identity and my contribution to the world.
I have faced tough realities for myself, and I have changed. Anyone who seeks my help in changing had better be ready to change; there is a hard edge to my empathy, and I often call situations and behaviors honestly, with an unflinching stare.
This is my presence in the face of change; pragmatic, visionary.
I received some wonderful feedback last night on how I have impacted someone over the long term, partly through my presence when practising karate. What a gift, I am full of thanks! My friend shared that one of the things he valued was how I never get angry.
That sat with me overnight.
Because I know I get angry; not to the point of rage, but definitely beyond tetchy.
I know that offering my presence for others can often exhaust me, that I am at constant risk of emotional and spiritual burn-out.
It is a risk all counselors know, the weight of appended emotion; of carrying another. It’s a natural effect of empathy, it is the weight of being human.
I have learned to listen for the signs that I am carrying too much, that I need to recharge. These symptoms are familiar; avoidance of writing and music
[the longest period of block was 5 years]
Snapping at the kids
[oh how I hurt to feel myself doing that – I’m getting better at apologizing sooner, and opening my frustrations to them]
A vague sense of just letting time slip by without engaging.
A slump of the shoulders and a frown that won’t shift.
A yearning to help someone through a massive change, while simultaneously not wanting to talk to anyone.
It’s a cycle you see, my needs driving my presence, which exhausts me to the point where I can no longer be as present, which makes my needs drive my presence…
I can live in this cycle if I recharge
If I write
[why else would I be writing this right now?]
[which I already have, and will later, today]
spend time with family, and pause to strengthen mind, body and spirit
[workout this morning, karate tonight]
Right now, I’m tired, but I’m slowly recharging.
This is who I choose to be, I guess, this is the cycle I live in, and the needs I’m getting to know better with each passing moment.
Who are you choosing to be right now? Why?